The real Star Trek
(posted on another site) So I was thinking, what if Star Trek was real and was run like a real government agency? Hmmmmm. . . . (1) "Starfleet" would not be called something so elegant. Rather, you would have the Intergalactic Space Exploration Science and Defense Agency (ISESDA). (2) The Enterprise would not be called the Enterprise. Only science fiction thinks that we would name something so expensive with a cool historic name. Rather, the Enterprise would be the U.S.S. Stephen P. Jones, an unimportant but politically popular Federation politician. (3) James T. Kirk would have never made it past Lieutenant due to the ISESDA affirmative action policy. Rather, the Jones would be commanded by Azgerile Ooobam, the first lesbian female Orion captain in the ISESDA. (4) Lieutenant Kirk would later be dishonorably discharged for a combination of violating several ISESDA safety protocols (while incidentally saving the galaxy), and 237 cases of sexual harassment. (5) The Jones would be the third of a new planned class of 100 state-of-the-art starships. Ultimately, however, only three would be built due to budget issues. Then the accountants will spread the R&D costs over three hulls instead of 100 resulting in "the most expensive, wasteful ISESDA project ever" and a perfect example of the waste of taxpayer latinum. The remainder of ISESDA will continue to use 100 year-old designs lacking warp drive or weapons. On the plus side, former Orion slave girls will get free pre-natal care. (6) The Jones would no longer be Constitution class. People who believe in the Constitution are racist, anti-government wackos. Rather, it would be the Karl Marx class. This would be the third re-name of the class. Initially designated the Betazoid class, this name would be dropped after Betazoid political activists complained that the name was insensitive to their culture. Then the class was re-designated the Mohammad class. This name was dropped after 87 terrorist attacks for insulting Islam. Finally, Karl Marx was chosen as the class name to honor the most revered political theorist in the ISESDA. (7) Upon launch, the Jones will have one phaser bank and no photon torpedoes. This is because it is designed to fight the new, asymmetrical threats of the future, rather than engage in outdated ship-to-ship combat. After losing the first two Karl Marx class vessels to the Klingons, the Jones is re-fitted with the kind of weapons any sane person would have placed on it at launch. The cost of this retrofit again results in outrage over "the most expensive, wasteful ISESDA project ever." (8) Instead of a slim chain of command consisting of five line officer ranks and an enlisted classification, the ISESDA now has 134 different officer and enlisted classifications designed to reward personnel without actually giving them more money or responsibility. (9) Commander Spock and Lieutenant Commander Scott are relieved of command after the Jones is run aground on an asteroid due to the complete, utter incompetence of Azgerlie Ooobam. Azgerlie Ooobam is promoted, making her the first lesbian female Orion admiral in the ISESDA. (10) After decades of neglect, the ISESDA finds itself on the losing end of a war against the Klingons and the Jones is the only ship left in the fleet. New Federation President Jame T. Kirk fires Chief of Staff Ooobam (after banging the lesbian out of her), takes personal command of the Jones, renames her the Enterprise, and personally kicks the ever-loving Bejesus out of the Klingons (and the Romulans, just for good measure) because he is just that awesome. Liberal politicians denounce the warmongering of the Kirk administration and lament the loss of free pre-natal care for former Orion slave girls. (11) Sexy miniskirts replaced by uniform so horrendous that it makes Kate Beckinsale look like Hillary Clinton in a pantsuit.
(posted on another site) So I was thinking, what if Star Trek was real and was run like a real government agency? Hmmmmm. . . . (1) "Starfleet" would not be called something so elegant. Rather, you would have the Intergalactic Space Exploration Science and Defense Agency (ISESDA). (2) The Enterprise would not be called the Enterprise. Only science fiction thinks that we would name something so expensive with a cool historic name. Rather, the Enterprise would be the U.S.S. Stephen P. Jones, an unimportant but politically popular Federation politician. (3) James T. Kirk would have never made it past Lieutenant due to the ISESDA affirmative action policy. Rather, the Jones would be commanded by Azgerile Ooobam, the first lesbian female Orion captain in the ISESDA. (4) Lieutenant Kirk would later be dishonorably discharged for a combination of violating several ISESDA safety protocols (while incidentally saving the galaxy), and 237 cases of sexual harassment. (5) The Jones would be the third of a new planned class of 100 state-of-the-art starships. Ultimately, however, only three would be built due to budget issues. Then the accountants will spread the R&D costs over three hulls instead of 100 resulting in "the most expensive, wasteful ISESDA project ever" and a perfect example of the waste of taxpayer latinum. The remainder of ISESDA will continue to use 100 year-old designs lacking warp drive or weapons. On the plus side, former Orion slave girls will get free pre-natal care. (6) The Jones would no longer be Constitution class. People who believe in the Constitution are racist, anti-government wackos. Rather, it would be the Karl Marx class. This would be the third re-name of the class. Initially designated the Betazoid class, this name would be dropped after Betazoid political activists complained that the name was insensitive to their culture. Then the class was re-designated the Mohammad class. This name was dropped after 87 terrorist attacks for insulting Islam. Finally, Karl Marx was chosen as the class name to honor the most revered political theorist in the ISESDA. (7) Upon launch, the Jones will have one phaser bank and no photon torpedoes. This is because it is designed to fight the new, asymmetrical threats of the future, rather than engage in outdated ship-to-ship combat. After losing the first two Karl Marx class vessels to the Klingons, the Jones is re-fitted with the kind of weapons any sane person would have placed on it at launch. The cost of this retrofit again results in outrage over "the most expensive, wasteful ISESDA project ever." (8) Instead of a slim chain of command consisting of five line officer ranks and an enlisted classification, the ISESDA now has 134 different officer and enlisted classifications designed to reward personnel without actually giving them more money or responsibility. (9) Commander Spock and Lieutenant Commander Scott are relieved of command after the Jones is run aground on an asteroid due to the complete, utter incompetence of Azgerlie Ooobam. Azgerlie Ooobam is promoted, making her the first lesbian female Orion admiral in the ISESDA. (10) After decades of neglect, the ISESDA finds itself on the losing end of a war against the Klingons and the Jones is the only ship left in the fleet. New Federation President Jame T. Kirk fires Chief of Staff Ooobam (after banging the lesbian out of her), takes personal command of the Jones, renames her the Enterprise, and personally kicks the ever-loving Bejesus out of the Klingons (and the Romulans, just for good measure) because he is just that awesome. Liberal politicians denounce the warmongering of the Kirk administration and lament the loss of free pre-natal care for former Orion slave girls. (11) Sexy miniskirts replaced by uniform so horrendous that it makes Kate Beckinsale look like Hillary Clinton in a pantsuit.